I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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