I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
