He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
