my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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