Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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