He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
