I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was a blind-side dick pic.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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