I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
