so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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