WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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