I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
