I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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