These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
