Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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