A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
