This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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