just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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