My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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