I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
