It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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