Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
