i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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