My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
