dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
