How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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