i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can I color on your dick again?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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