I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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