I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
