she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
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You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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