I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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