I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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