Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
