i already hear my dad disowning me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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