The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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