Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
