I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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