worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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