I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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