i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
