Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
