i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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