Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
