I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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