ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
