I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My cat gives me a boner
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
