Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
