The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
