see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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