Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
