Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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