Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
