i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
