i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
