You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
