He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
