every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
