my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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