fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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